4.52 - Best Picture. Can't say fairer than Michelle and Jack. Argo. And with that we arrive full circle, hollywood on hollywood on hollywood in hollywood.
4.45 - The Daniel Day Lewis Award for Being Daniel Day Lewis. Unstoppable force of gravitas.
4.40 - Most unpredictable award of the night. Best Actress...haven't a clue. It's JLaw!
4.32 - Best Director...hmm. Ang Lee getting some last minute traction but safe bet is still Spielberg. Ang Lee takes it! Now get back to making films like Lust Caution and Brokeback Mountain Mr Lee!
4.26 - Love Wes Anderson, Boal was sharp and efficient too but this is Tarantino's. Sure thing.
4.24 - Argo wins Best Adapted Screenplay. Best Picture sewn right up.
4.19 - Right. The big 6 I should think now. Screenplays, some Tarantino. Some vulgarity. Ready, steady, go.
4.12 - Best Song - Yay more Adele. Dreary.
4.09 - Best Original Score. Desplat is the obvious choice here, even John William and his 92nd nomination or something. The Oscar goes to..Danna for Life of Pi
4.01 - In Memoriam
3.48 - Production Design. Kristen Stewart really not making this about herself. Personality overload! Lincoln wins. First for Lincoln.
3.38 - Adele has her arms stretched out in front of her. Oh oh. No standing ovation, which is spot on considering she sang a bit bored.
3.30 - Adele wins for best film editing! Pride of Britain she's so good she can edit and sing and speak like Dick Van Dyke and look like Sandra Bullock all in one go. Argo wins, makes sense.
3.20 - See post at 3.12. Keep it together Anne.
3.13 - Ted comes on stage with his Boston mate Mark Wahlberg to present Sound Mixing which goes to Les Miserables. Sound Editing goes to A TIE (woah). Zero Dark Thirty and Skyfall!!!
3.12 - Anne Hathaway will win for Supporting Actress. Great stuff for around 8 minutes of screen time!
3.03 - One More Day. Jean Valjean. Hugh Jackman is a revelation (apart from anyone who knows anything about his theatre chops will know his star qualities). Russell Crowe is about to tear this apart. Cannot wait. 24601. That was spinetingling stuff. Eddie Redmayne is such a star when he isn't falling over being sick everywhere.
2.54 - Dreamgirls was a terrible BP nominee. Best thing about it was Jennifer Hudson which is ideal at this point.
2.53 - Les Miserables ensemble. Looking forward to this immensely. But first Chicago which beat The Pianist in 2003 which was bat shit mental. 10 years ago, the Academy going strides to make the ceremony modern right here.
2.48 - Best Amour Award next. I haven't seen Amour but I know for a fact it's the best film ever. Team Haneke. Who will present him the award though? Chastain and Gardner. Should be hilarious. A Royal Affair was brilliant by the way. Foreign Film goes to...Amour!
2.37 - Affleck's on stage. AMERICA, F*** YEAHHHH! Best Documentary Feature. Go Sugar Man. Winner is..Searching for Sugar Man!
2.36 - Naive wonderment in Tree of Life to steely determinism in Zero Dark Thirty. Chastain.
2.35 - Liam Neeson. Oscar overdue. Think that window has passed now maybe. Kinsey, Schindler. In other news, Ben Affleck's beard shows its boundary less dexterity.
2.33 - Ignorance, humble ignorance. Haven't a clue on these shorts so...the Oscar goes to Curfew! Whose recipient is sitting in a royal box type area. Which is slightly bizarre. Inocente wins Documentary Short. Again English accents, everytime. Apart from Jamie Dfoxx (the D is silent).
2.29 - An hour in I feel like I'm on the set of the Chelsea Flower Show.
2.25 - Bassey singing Goldfinger. What's your problem Kanye? A standing ovation. Feel warm inside. Doesn't mean you can sneakily sell me 007 perfume you cheeky buggers.
2.21 - 50 years of 007. All squeezed into the bosom of Adele. Wait for it.
2.19 - Make Up. Les Miserables. If you can make Anne Hathaway look that ragged you've worked wonders right? Loving all these English accents thus far. We are a talented bunch it seems.
2.18 - Costume Design. I say Anna Karenina. They say, Anna Karenina. Sit doggy sit. Good doggy. I need to get into this Tolstoy era Russian costume design. Can't fail.
2.17 - Bond tribute time soon. Please be brilliant.
2.10 - WTF WAS THAT JAWS LIKE RIDICULOUSNESS. Also, does Life of Pi's heady start mean Ang Lee wins Best Director?
2.04 - I'd like to see The Hobbit win an award just to shut up a few of the ridiculous write ups on it, but Life of Pi deserving.
2.03 - Superhero Bantz. Cinematography. Please Deakin.......noooooo. Life of Pi. That was all ocean and Richard Parker. Grumpy cat. Just kidding, island scenes were a treasure visually.
2.02 - rousing rousing.
1.58 - Slighter lower peaks in Animated Feature this year but all solid enough and Brave worthy winner.
1.57 - Best Animated Short - Simpsons Vs Disney? Winner is... Paperman.
1.53 - Everything ok Jack?
1.46 - Actor in a Supporting Role. Haven't a clue. One of the hardest to predict I reckon. I'll say Robert De Niro as he had been shit for so long. Everyone loves a second coming. TML and Dr Schultz in with a shot too. Hoffman should be in lead.
It goes to...Christophe Waltz! Wow. 2 in what 4 years! Wish he told me bedtime stories. Could listen to him weave his stories and tales limitlessly.
1.45 - He went home with Sally Field!
1.34 - Free Don Cheadle!
1.31 - Tommy Lee Jones laughed! Which means THE cat gif is semi-redundant. So better use it one more time.
1.30 - Seth McFarlane and The Show formerly known as the Academy Awards. Lets go fellow best documentary short addicts.
1.25 - 3-time Oscar Winner, Daniel Day Lewis. What have you won Alex Zane? Actually you did host the Kerrang Awards. Sky just showed Mirror Mirror in their Oscars montage. A bit of a reach don't we think?
1.20 - My fashion knowledge is on par with my sleep depravation but backward necklace. Watch this space.
1.19 - Winner.
1.16 - Guess who's beard.
1.08 - Samsung Samsung Samsung.
1.06 - Kristen Stewart is wearing..crutches. Unexplained injury. Something went down after the Razzies. I can feel it.
12.58 - Salma Hayek couldn't be arsed to do her hair up. But then what do I know E! Ladies have taken over my opinions. They're talking about their partners. It's Loose Women but botoxed.
12.48 - Jennifer Gardner and Ben Affleck just took down Naomi and Liev. Argofuckyourself.
12.46 - Adele is here to steal an award for song. She dresses the same everytime I see her at an awards ceremony (no more than thrice). Works for her though.
12.41 - Red carpet fatigue has set in. Nicole Kidman looks ceramic.
12.34 - Charlize. Clinical.
12.30 - AN HOUR UNTIL THE AFTERPARTY STARTS!!!!1!,,,,,;;;;
12.27 - Bradley Cooper brought his mum. Mrs Cooper will be looking for a lift tonight that's for sure. Meanwhile in background, Jennifer Aniston, who co-starred in Sky's broadband advert last year walks in with the ghost of Brad Pitt. E! (!) are discussing Hathaway's Valentino-gate. I'm enjoying Kelly Osbourne's hair, a late submission for Best Supporting Actress? (ROFL etc).
12.16 - Helen Hunt is wearing H&M. Which is as good as it gets really. And Anne Hathaway looking regal. Literally. In Prada. Are Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber one of those "power couples" I hear about? If they jumped into a ring with Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig who's names would you be able to spell? (damn iPad).
12.12 - Sorry, it's called Manicure Cam
12.04 - Back to Jessica Chastain, the best way to describe her look is 'freshly woven flesh of a salmon'. It's wonderful, no doubt. Armani Privé.
12.02 - Is it rude for me to say that Norah Jones looks like a freshly tarmac'd motorway? Treacly. I believe in Melissa McCarthy. Her partner is wearing "tuxedo". Not heard such brutal honesty since I last watched Pearl Harbour (Ben Affleck tie in No. 1).
12.01 - Dustin Hoffman ("rock the tatum", snip the bow).
11.58 - Meanwhile on Sky. Galaxy (choc-a-lot) have brought Audrey Hepburn back from the dead with Moon River sound tracking. I have no opinion on this deep deep travesty.
11.54 - Sally Field and Jennifer Lawrence. One looks calm having won a few of these bad boys, one is metaphorically pissing herself. In Dior Haute Couture. "Your ass is mine Stone!" Where is Emma? Also Joseph Gordon-Levitt looks like he has been running around IKEA for too long. Wait that's an old reference...think, Robin, think.
11.48 - Chris Tucker ("rock the tatum"). Amy Adams is less and less red as the minutes pass. Will try to monitor this. Amanda Seyfriend tells Seacrest about her Les Mis performance during this evenings Oscar ceremony, "there will be singing". Good on you Ama...HEISENBERG HAS ENTERED THE BUILDING. EVERYTHING IS A METH. (Sue me).
11.44 - THERE'S A RED CARPET FOR FINGER JEWELLERY. DANIEL RADCLIFFE. But then Jessica Chastain was the 'motherf*****' who just stole the show. Seacrest "if you put your fingers down there..." Have we not reached watershed moment yet? Gimme.
11.39 - Switched to Sky Oscars. That's what they're calling it today. Alex Zane is presenting tonight which is like saying Claudia Winkleman presented last year. Type in Alex Zane on Google and the first two options are 'Alex Zane Girlfriend' and 'Alex Zane Ethnicity'. Sorry overseas readers, this isn't much use is it?
11.35 Reese Witherspoon, nominated for This Means War (will it be THAT sort of night I ask myself) is wearing Louis Vuitton "cuz it's blue and her daughter helped her choose it". The words, the stars. The planets have truly aligned.
11.30 - As it hits 11.30 just a quick note on Male tuxedo shots. Channing Tatum is wearing standard tuxedo. Does the trick but same as the next 10, 100 on red carpet so "rock the tatum" is phrase operandi tonight.
11.25 - Amy. Adams. I can start 5 minutes early. Shame she won't win but...
11.17 - Kelly Osbourne is on the red carpet.. Nah I can wait for another 13 minutes.
10.48 - Decided to blog the Oscars. Why? I think I'll figure that out by 3 am. Be back with the Red Carpet shenanigans from 11.30pm. Will Sacha Baron Cohen and Ryan Seacrest retain their awards love-in. Will Cate Blanchett look anything other than great? It will be difficult if she hasn't been invited... See you in a few.